If someone did something bad enough to remove them from your life, don’t be foolish enough to let them back in.

Good Morning Happy Campers. Well. Good afternoon really, but it still feels like the morning to me as I have just moved away from the bedroom. I am sitting outside for the first time this year and not feeling like I have to bundle myself up in so many layers I look like an Eskimo.

This morning as I was browsing through Facebook with no known purpose; as per usual, and I came across a picture of my mother with her best friend in Spain. My mother is in Spain. And it’s during term time. Why on earth has she gone to Spain and where is my little brother? There is no way that my ex-step dad could get him to school and then get to work on time. There is also no way that he would be happy to put himself out like that for her. They are supposedly still going through a divorce and he has no idea of the thousands of pounds she has hidden away. I am guessing that this is where she got the money to go to Spain as I am pretty damn sure her pathetic little start-up cleaning business would not cover the mortgage, bills and cost of living… plus a holiday abroad.

I haven’t posted about anything that isn’t happy in a while. And that is mainly because 99.9% of the time I am incredibly happy. BUT things like this really really niggle me. What annoys me is that I could totally destroy her life. I could throw her divorce out of the water by revealing that she has been faking how much money she has been making, how long she has been working for, and just what she did with the joint savings account. I could possibly also put a massive spanner in the works between her and her best friend, whom she keeps little ‘white lies’ from. This would cause no end of hassle between the two of them and would definitely make me feel a whole lot better about finally not being made out to be the evil one.

But no. I am a better person than that. Which is why, just like always I have kept my mouth firmly shut. I have said bugger all. This does not make me feel any better but the silence and calm that has resulted has made me realise that I should have shut my mother out of my life a long time ago. Maybe I partly do this because I am not a confrontational person, I’m not a coward but I hate arguing and yelling. Not my style. I’m a walk out of the room before things get too heated kind of girl.

Not only has she always been a negative influence in my life and in recent years a very jealous one; but she used to make me feel foolish and crazy for believing that I suffered abuse from my biological father. Or rather, the extent of that abuse.  I should have realised then that I was living with someone who would manipulate a situation to her advantage whatever the cost. But I didn’t. She was my mother and I loved her. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her. I just don’t like her. I don’t like the person that she is but I am glad to see her for who she is so that I can remove that influence from my life. And I will never let her back in.

I am far happier than I have ever been before and whilst it upsets me to think about certain days in my future where I will be without a mother to hold my hand – my first house, engagement, my wedding day… all those special moments you are meant to share. I am lucky that I have people around me that will hold my hand in her place. Some people don’t even have that. So I should count my blessings rather than pity myself. I don’t wish this post to sound malicious or horrible – my only intention is to vent some of frustration that I have been holding back. I am a very lucky girl and I am glad that as one door closed in my life, several more opened. If there is a big man up there…. Thanks.

Later Lovers. xoxo

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Never love anybody who treats you like you are ordinary.

I’ve been so ill. So ill I think I’ve lost about a stone. I’m not even joking – I think my stomach is now concave. I went through a whole night of my body just completely going haywire and rejecting everything I’ve ever consumed! Things seem to have settled down a but now after two days off work but I still feel so queezy that I haven’t managed to eat anything substantial. I’ve only just come out of my bedroom!

Having a shower and putting make up on has definitely made me feel more human – although it hasn’t stopped my stomach churning. I am completely pathetic at being ill. I cry, and moan and I even asked Pete to make it stop. It got that bad. I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor I got so fed up of running between the bedroom and the toilet. He has been totally wonderful, and hasn’t mentioned how god awful I must have looked. Usually I take pride in my appearance and try not to let him see me looking ridiculous… but I was so poorly I just couldn’t have given less of a shit. He’s made me drinks, run to the shops to get me ice lollies and put up with me. The man is a god send. As is his wonderful family. His mum kept coming downstairs to check on me (where I placed myself to try not to disturb them) and has been so lovely. I have never been so well looked after when I’ve been ill.

Apart from being ill I don’t really have much to update you on. I am still ridiculously in love with Peter and it seems to be becoming even worse since I’ve lived with him. Every day I look at him and thank my lucky stars. I don’t know what I did to deserve him but boy am I glad I did it!

I am meant to be going out with the girls on Saturday night, but I just cannot see that happening. I can’t even stand up in the shower so heaven knows how I am going to walk around a pub in heels!! Not to mention that I don’t think my skirt will fit me anymore…..

I am for the moment settled on the sofa waiting for Pete to come home. I think he’s heading out tonight to see some ‘Fun House’ presenter DJ in one of the pubs in town. So I think tonight will probably have another Harry Potter movie in store for me. OH! Before I forget, Pete cooked last night! (I know, typical the one time I can’t eat it and he cooks!) He actually made what sounded like a lovely meal, so I will be getting him to make that for me! Exciting, considering the only thing he’s cooked for me before were poached eggs. Which do not get me wrong, were lovely. Thank you dear.

I bought a piggy bank to save up for a holiday together. Saving for a deposit and trying to clear my overdraft means that if I try to add something else to that I’ll just feel overwhelmed. Whereas a piggy bank that you just put spare change in to is a lot less daunting. Pete put our first two pounds in today 🙂 So exciting! If you can’t tell – I’m very very happy.

Later Lovers. xoxo

With you, I am home.

I am going to be sickeningly sweet. Like totally crazily all fuzzy warm glowly loved up in this post.  Reasons being, I’ve moved in with Pete and I could not be happier with how this week and weekend have been.

We spent our first weekend together and passed it mostly in a haze of incredible sex. We did some other stuff to. Like a double date, he played golf, I had a girls day. But the main thing I remember loving is the time we spent in his room locked together.

I can’t stop thinking about it even now. The want and need I have for that boy is incredible, and apparently just gets worse when I have alcohol! I am loving living with him so much that I don’t remember what I did before I met him. How did I manage to sleep without him in bed with me? Even if he does steal the covers and snores when he lies on his back. He’s still just too gorgeous and lovely to roll over.

I do not remember ever feeling like this about someone before. We feel so, together and compatible it’s a little bit crazy. We have been together for just over 4 months and it feels like years. I know his habits and he’s opened up to me although I still feel like I learn something new about him everyday. Like tonight, we are going to go running together. I have never been running with a boy. Ever. I cannot imagine I am going to feel very comfortable with this to begin with… but I’m sure it will be fine. If not we’ll have the swings at Vivary Park to distract us. I also adore the fact that I can be all childish in front of him. I can enjoy all the fun things in life with him. I never want that to end.

Having to stay later on at work today, when all I want to do is rush home to see him. Oh the frustration of normal life.

I think I’m just about done now. I’ll write something a little less sickly tomorrow. Feels nice to get it out of my system. I love that boy like crazy.

Later Lovers. xoxo

Quite simply, I love you.

I’ve been a busy bee! So much seems to have happened that I have a feeling this might be a rather long post. Hence my extended absence – for which you have my most humble apologies. I have some very exciting news but I’m going to see if I can hold out telling you until I reach the end…

So last weekend myself and Pete travelled up to Bristol to go and celebrate Danni’s birthday. I don’t think the weekend could have gone any better! Pete seemed to get on well with the boys and they all played FiFA and watched the racing whilst me and the girls sat in the other room getting ready. I am a little astounded as to how the group seemed to gel. I had such a lovely time. The girls loved Pete and kept commenting on how happy we seemed to be and mentioned how much I had changed. I feel more calm and content than I have ever before. I don’t think I have ever been this blissfully happy in a relationship.

It was great to spend some time with the girls and it was so nice to be able to do a bit of shopping whilst gossiping. I have missed them so much and it’s only when we are back together that I realise I need to put more effort into seeing them! I am hoping to go up to Danni’s with Pete next month and then I will travel to see Clee… she’ll either be in Bristol or Oxford. We got plenty of pictures and once Clee pulls her finger out her ass I will be putting them up in frames! Also, if you ever end up in Bristol on a night out you have… HAVE to go to Illusions. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or the happiness fuzz, but that place has the best magicians ever. Imagine cocktails and magic mixed together? Epic. No one could figure out how he was doing the tricks… worth a visit for sure!

The next day I had a day off work to spend with Carly. I went round her house early and after we managed to climb out of her bed again we ventured to Street. After lots of car singing and dancing we arrived to find we had enough change to park for an hour. I always seem to do this. I need to be better at my forward planning! So after a quick dash in to get more change for the car park we decided we were too hungry for shopping so sat in Frankie and Bennies for the biggest carb fest I have ever had in my life. Garlic dough balls, spaghetti Bolognese and a side order of fries, cheese and bacon. I have never felt so fat in all my life. I don’t think I was hungry until about two days later. After Street I was forced to watch Father of the Bride. Apparently one of the girl movies you are supposed to have seen. I enjoyed it don’t get me wrong – but things like that always make me wonder who will walk me down the aisle. A slight sad edge to what should be a happy film.

Since then I’ve been at work. And now for the exciting news… I’m moving in with Pete! I know it’s totally crazy and so fast but I already feel like I’ve been with him forever and we practically live together anyway! The start of the decision to move started with my current house creeping and stressing me out. For one thing it didn’t feel like home. And I am totally fed up with not feeling like I’m home when I walk through a door. Which is something I have been missing for about two years now. Walking into that door with Pete behind it will feel like home. It is crazy how much I love that boy and how much I just want him to be happy. I find myself agreeing to things that I would never have done before just so he’s happy and it puts a smile on his face. Ladies… I have agreed that he can have a Man Cave instead of me having a walk in wardrobe?! WHY on earth did I do that?! And the worst thing… I don’t even regret it. I actually don’t mind. What has happened to me?! I believe the plan is to save hard for 15 months so we can buy our own place. The one thing I am going to try to persuade him to is a house though. I fail to see the point in buying an apartment that we will want to move out of in a few years. It doesn’t make sense to me. I would rather buy a house and know I can stay there. Yes Pete… JUST IN CASE I’m lucky enough to have children. Which apparently he does not want. Currently just ignoring that.

So I already have a few bits at his house and tonight I have a girly evening with Carly to pack up the rest of my clothes and accessories. I am only keeping my bookcase, which will be my own little corner in his room… and I will be trying my hardest not to take over his room. I don’t want him to feel like it’s not his anymore. I’m quite nervous and I so, so do not want to ruin this. His parents and family have been so kind to me I nearly cried at the dinner table the other day. I actually did cry the next day when I was explaining it to the girls. I have never been made to feel so comfortable and welcomed in a home – even when I moved back in with my mother. In fact it’s making me want to cry now.

All of this has made me even more sure that I have done the right thing cutting off my mother. I don’t need her negative influence and the more I think about it the more I think I should have done it years ago. How I didn’t see through her lies and schemes I will never know.

To end on a positive note I am trying a new takeaway tonight at the insistence of Carly – Sabeez. Haven’t got a clue what it is but if I die at least I’m dying happy!

Later Lovers. xoxo

A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear.

I’m seriously beginning to slack with this blog. The only excuse I have is that work tends to be really busy and then I’m so distracted in the evening I never have time!

Good news – I am no longer hormonal and in pain. My coil has been successfully removed and I am now on the injection… so that’s no worries for 12 weeks! I cannot even begin to express how nice it is to be able to sit down without feeling like I’m being stabbed or actually have pain free sex! (apart from being a bit sore from the actual procedure.) I’m practically on cloud nine.

This weekend Pete and I are going to Bristol to see my two closest friends – Danni and Clee. I have known Danni since primary school and what seems like the year dot. I’ve never quite managed to get rid of her! I met Clee through Danni and instantly loved her! I am so excited about introducing Pete to the girls and their partners. Danni already loves him purely from the way I talk about him.  We are heading out for dinner to celebrate Danni’s birthday and will probably stay for a few cocktails.

I am becoming so increasingly happy that I am worried something bad is going to happen to ruin it. Last night was the first night that Pete actually told me he loved me (when he meant to – the accidental ones don’t count) and we started discussing the possibility of moving in together. That boy would be a breeze to live with. So with all these amazing things rushing around I’m just waiting for something bad to smack me in the face. I know I need to stop being so stupid but I can’t help it. Born worrier right here.

I am going to focus on pushing the worries out of my head! I know I’m being ridiculous! I have been welcomed into Pete’s family which is more than I ever hoped for, I have a gorgeous man who loves me and beautiful friends I am so thankful for. The only thing that’s missing is probably the bad thing in my life. So I think maybe I’m done for the year? Not having a family of your own is probably quite a big thing to go wrong. Which is why I so want one of my own eventually. I want a family I’m not going to lose and I can put all my love and care into raising children the way children should be raised. At least I’ve turned out that way rather than hating life in general and turning into a drug addicted waste of space. Every cloud and all that.

I read something today that says do not let the worries cloud you as it ruins all the good things. So true. So I’m looking forward to all the exciting adventures the next few years will inevitably bring. I want to move somewhere abroad for a few months with Pete, go away with my girls…. and maybe win the lottery. But I think I might be pushing my luck with the last one.

Tonight I am gabbling big time. I am dying my hair. Going for blonde ombre. I love my hair and I hardly ever change it… I’m nervous! But I need a bit of a change to welcome this new chapter into my life. There is something about changing your hair – just feels like along with the change you are letting go of all the shit. Although this could go very very wrong! Little bit of excitement added to my week. As if enough things haven’t happened.

I love my life! I love Pete. I love my friends. I am just in a very loving mood. Even if the word love does scare me a little bit – I don’t think I’ve ever put so much emphasis on it. I had forgotten than love is a physical feeling and to think about losing it actually hurts. I haven’t felt that way in years and whilst it is so lovely it’s bloody scary. Just need to man up and get over it. I have more important things to think about – like my hair and what I’m wearing over the weekend…. !

Later Lovers.

Take more chances. Dance more dances.

image1This weekend was the weekend of the ball! I had SUCH a good time. Honestly it was awesome. I can’t remember the last time an event like that was so much fun. I enjoyed slowly getting ready at Pete’s, rushing around at Katie’s – being sewn into my dress, having dinner and dancing!

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I had a bit too much champagne and wine which may of lead me to say a few embarrassing things to Pete. If I’m honest I can’t remember exactly what I said. I just remember giggling a lot and having a conversation with myself. I doubt if he even understood half of it! We only stayed until around 12 and then went straight home to bed. I actually ended up having an asthma attack on the way home thanks to the sudden change in temperature. Going from really really hot to freezing cold outside caused my throat to close. Being a typical girl I changed my bag and forgot to put my inhaler in. I don’t think I have ever seen Pete quite so freaked out on the journey home. The lack of oxygen made me think that was incredibly funny… obviously it wasn’t! I have been seriously reprimanded for that.
I met most of Katie’s family on Saturday night and they are all wonderfully friendly. Her sister is a bloody hoot. She’s also very helpful and was the one who sewed me into my dress! Oh and I met Becky, who is another of Katie’s best friends. (I know shocking that I’m not the only one.) Quite a funny happy bunch of girls!image3
A night out with the girls would not be complete without a little bit of drama. Enter Chester… the dreaded ex girlfriend of Joe’s. She decided to come to the ball this year which of course brought on the usual ridicule from us girls. Luckily nothing too dramatic happened; just a few uneasy glances. There were a few single men there, and Katie noticed one in particular kept walking past and looking at us. I unfortunately walked around the table at the wrong time and we passed. This meant I had to spend a few torturous minutes politely answering his questions whilst he tried to chat me up…. all whilst Pete was sat a few chairs away watching. I am not the type of girl to be rude and just walk away… I’m happy to chat to people who want to be friendly. But when his friend came up and said ‘Excuse me could I bother you for an autograph please’ it was just too much….. I had to walk away. I have never been the subject of such a poor chat up line!! Do girls really fall for that?!
As a result of too much wine on Saturday I spent a lot of time in bed yesterday. I’m actually still feeling tired today. But WOOHOO. I only have a 4 day week to get through and then a glorious 4 day weekend. I also have some more exciting news – Pete is coming to Danni’s birthday! She has invited him up to Bath to stay when I do and will be coming to the meal and gets the meet my bestest friend. Sort of makes it all real. And what’s more is he has agreed to go. I have never had a boyfriend agree to go and spend the weekend with my friends or be so accommodating and happy to do so. It’s refreshing and just reminds me of why I am with him and just why he makes me so happy.
Half of Pete’s surprise is now planned. I am so excited that I almost spilled the beans in my drunken state on Saturday night! I just have a few more things to do and then it’s all done. I cannot wait to see his face when I tell him. And hopefully if things go my way during the weekend there will be surprises in the surprises. I just want him to see how much I care about him and actually show him. I will upload pictures when it happens…. watch this space. I want him to realise what a positive affect he has had on my life and try to pay him back for all the wonderful happy times he has given me. I am so thankful that I met him and he took a chance on me. I know that wasn’t easy for him and it still isn’t. I’m also thankful that I was brave enough to open up to him… I was so close to keeping my guards up and I’m positive that would have been one of the worst decisions of my life.
I FINALLY have my hospital appointment tomorrow. I am in desperate need of it. Beyond fed up of being in constant pain and wondering what on earth is wrong. Hopefully this will provide answers and a solution!
Later Lovers. xoxoimage9

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hello guys!
I’m back and I know I’ve been away for a while. Not too much has happened if I’m honest. I have been manic at work and am putting 100% into that at the moment. So much so that I am coming down with a cold! Not something I need the week before the ball!
I’ve missed writing this. I don’t however have the time or energy to write a massive long post. I actually have half an hour before I leave work for the day and I still have things to be getting on with.
Pete has been away this week for work and he’s back tonight. I am so ridiculously mad about the boy, that I’ve missed him and can’t actually wait to be back in his arms. He got a bit drunk last night and sent me lots of sweet messages. Even if they were at 1am I still enjoyed them.
We went up to Bath at the weekend and he bought me a teddy from Build-a-Bear. He tried to buy me some shoes, but I wasn’t having any of that so with great difficulty walked around Kurt Geiger without eyeing anything up. I hope he realises that it’s not how much he spends on me, it’s what he buys me. I am MUCH happier with a teddy bear than I would be with shoes. And I can’t quite believe I’m saying that. But from Pete – it just means more.
I am currently organising a surprise for Pete in April. I am talking to his mum about it and I will need to have it all done by next weekend. As he reads this I can’t actually say what it is, but I’ve never done this for anyone before and I am so excited!
The ball is this weekend and I have finally found a dress to wear. Weight off my mind! I have shoes and thanks to Liv, now jewellery sorted. Super organised. I just need to decide how to have my hair and then I am all done. I am hoping to have a lot of pictures from that night to put in my empty photo frames! Should be an epic night!!
Can’t begin to express how happy I am right now. Apart from my hormones and this bloody coil (which I am getting sorted next week. Pete is even coming to the hospital with me… although I think that’s mainly to laugh at me in a stupid gown) I am so happy with my life. I am surrounded by beautiful people and I am very blessed.
Promise to write a better post tomorrow as long as no one shoots me for this dreadful one!!
Later Lovers. xoxo

Break.

I don’t feel like myself today. So I’m going to give this a break for a few days until I feel better.
I hope it’s my hormones as I currently feel like I want to cry. Either that or yell.
I don’t want to end up ranting and upsetting people. I love you all! Katie – thank you for the support! Love you.
Later Lovers. xoxo

Sometimes when you meet someone you just click. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I sure believe in the click.

As I said in my previous post. Hormones are everywhere today. Now I am feeling all warm and fuzzy about Pete. Today is going to be a fun day with my moods changing… I need something to settle me. Ooo. Chocolate. That’s a close second to sex right?
As the title would suggest, I do not believe in love at first sight. You may fancy someone or decide you like them purely based on looks. But you do not fall in love with looks. You fall in love with someone’s personality. Sometimes you meet someone whom you ‘click’ with. I have a few of these people in my life at the moment – Katie, Liv, Carly, Danni and Clee. I click with all of these people. But the special one is Pete.
He makes me feel like no one else does. Of course there’s some obvious ways… as all the others are girls and I don’t fancy girls… but on a serious note. He makes me feel special, protected and happy. I know I keep banging on about it. But I think reviewing my feelings for him makes me feel more comfortable about his for me. In some weird way. He’s not a talker and I do struggle sometimes as I don’t really know what he thinks of me. I know of course he likes me and I make him smile… I’m not stupid. But that’s where it sort of ends. As I have previously mentioned I am sure I like him more than he likes me. But then as I have no idea what goes on in that head of his I could be wrong.
I hope I can start breaking down his barriers. I want him to realise I am not going to turn into his ex girlfriends and whilst I may worry about his lads holiday – those are my demons and I would never burden him with them. I just want him to be happy.
My nails are bugging me this morning. I bought a cheaper glitter polish because I prefered the colour – that’s the last time I’m doing that. It doesn’t bloody dry. It just feels like hair gel!
Nails Inc and Barry M all the way.
Later Lovers. xoxo

Maybe your girlfriends are your soulmates and boys are just things to have fun with.

My hormones are all over the place at the moment. Only women can understand this – so you lot are currently my favourite people. This bloody coil is driving me nuts – yes it’s still there and yes it still hurts. Feels like the worse kind of period pains with the feeling that someone is pressing down on my stomach. Really not a whole lot of fun.
This pain means that I can no longer sleep with my gorgeous man. And this is driving me even more nuts. We have amazing sex and I am really missing it… I’m missing it so much it’s making me grouchy. Cuddles and kisses are awesome but I want more! Want to know what else is frustrating me? My hospital app isn’t until the 26th. I haven’t got a clue how I’m going to cope.
I’m really quite missing my girls at the moment. I spent Friday night with Liv and had such a giggle with her. I did her nails and we put facepacks on… properly girly night! At the moment I just feel like I need all of my girlfriends around me for a big cuddle! I am missing my best friend Danni loads. I haven’t seen her for about 6 months now and its driving me nuts! She is currently at uni and working all hours of the day to pay for her trip to Thailand with her boyfriend in something like 78 days. I hope to god that I see her before then! Otherwise I might just have to kidnap her! The brilliant thing with mine and Danni’s friendship is that we can not see each other for ages and still pick up where we left off. I think we have even spent about 6 months not speaking once (Purely because we were young and methods of communication was just letters and phone calls… the horrors of a world without mobiles) and we still managed to pick up where we left off.
I’m also missing Katie! I didn’t manage to see her last week and although we speak every day I feel the need to see her! Luckily we have arranged to spend tomorrow evening together – so no panic there. I need her advice and smiles at the moment. On a positive note, I am heading out at lunch with Lisa and will no doubt rant in her ear for a little bit.
As women live longer than men I think it is very important to pick your girlfriends wisely. As they are the ones that are likely to still be around after your old husbands are 6ft under. We’ll all be grey, baggy and wrinkly but I am sure that will be girlfriends I’ll still be trying to get up to mischief. I could play pranks on them like gluing their zimmer frames to the floor. Or put red hair dye in their blue rinse solutions. Oh being old could be a lot of fun. I could paint their fake teeth gold, or put vodka in their puree dinners. Such fun!
So whilst men are lots of fun, I think being old with my girlfriends will be a hell of a lot more fun!
Pete – if you’re reading this. I of course don’t mean it and would love to grow old with you. Just don’t hang around too long. I have pranks to play. 😉
With these pranks in mind – I think I’d better leave. I might go and put a whoopee cushion under Lisa’s chair.
Later Lovers. xoxo